Reflection on a personal mood...

Aeddon 365: Day 98, originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

Ok I know that this is not actually a picture of me. It is Aeddon. But this is a pretty good picture of how I feel today. I am sad and I am wanting to be held and I am wanting to be anywhere but here.

I am sad cause I am bored, even though there are lots of things I could be doing around my house today.... but I just cant. It is taking all I have today to stay out of bed. It has been a bad fibro day. Plus I think that my potassium might be low. Not being a healthy young 25 year old makes me sad. Especially when I see myspace posts and pictures from my high school buddies back home in California that are out living it up! They are going to clubs and concerts.... the closest thing to a concert I go to is when my boys sing along to Dora or Yo Gabba Gabba.
Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death and I don't regret my choice to have kids while I am still young. Even if I didn't have kids I wouldn't be out "living it up" I couldn't do it physically. To many hardships in my young life have broken down my body's ability to roll with the punches. Stupid Fibro making everything harder!
And you know what really sucks is that all I want is for my husband to hold me and he can't. He is at work. Stupid Army. And when he does get home he still wont be able to hold me cause I hurt so bad that it hurts for him to hold me and hurting me makes him sad. So I cant even tell him that I secretly want him to hold me.
I wish I wasnt here. Not I wish I wasn't here on the planet... just I wish I wasn't at a time in my life where few can understand me and the ones who can are in just as bad of shape as I am.... I knew Fibro came with the big D as a side effect.... but I am tired of it! I am tired of my body limiting the lives of the people I love the most. Perhaps since my kids are napping I really should just go to bed and wait for a small warm body (probably Alexander's since he is the only one who opens doors) to come and wake me up by cuddling with me. Perhaps after a nap the world will look like a brighter place. Yep. I am going to go with that theory! Especially since I have so many good things to wake up to.....................

Kids in a Box!

What is it with kids and cardboard boxes? Put a kid within a foot of a cardboard box and you have a happy kid. You don't need a room full of toys. You don't need Gymboree or Mommy and Me Yoga..... just a cardboard box.

I have always wondered about the facination with boxes that kids seem to have. I don't remember if I was ever "into" playing with them and when I asked my mom if I did she said.... I am sure that you did... all kids do. But I don't really have any memory of playing pretend as a kid. I remember when I was 9 and got in trouble because Barbie and Ken were in the bed together, naked..... I don't remember playing pretend.... but I do remember acting out real life with my dolls.... That was the closest to pretend I remember playing.....

But boy, oh boy..... get my boys near a box..... and they are in a rocket to the moon, or a racecar in the big race.... or even a submarine under the ocean. The possibilities seem to be endless. They seem to have the creative spark.... They are always playing pirate or jedi's or something fun. For now I like it that way.... Some day I will encourage them to take that creativity and put it on paper in one form or another...... but for now..... I will just get them a new empty box.

Sexy

IMG_8617, originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

It has occured to me that I don't veiw myself as sexy. I know that I am not ugly.... I also know that I am not America's top model..... but I used to think I was sexy. Now whenever I try to act sexy for my husband I feel silly and it puts me out of the mood! I don't know when it happened..... but it did.... Actually I don't even remember the last time I felt sexy..... I think it was shortly after Alexander was born.... I lost almost 60lbs after having him.... But slowly I have lost that feeling.... and I want it back! SO this picture is the start of the process of feeling sexy again......

Boys at play

IMG_8012, originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, having my kids so close together..... I worry that I stole away time that they should have individually gotten..... I worry that they are going to resent each other for the time that the other gets.....
Then I take a picture like this. And I realize that I have done the right thing. My boys are each others best friends!
Yes they fight sometimes... and yes sometimes they tell each other they dont love each other.... but I have seen them do things that tell me otherwise.... I have seen Alexander push down a kid that was giving Aeddon a hard time at the playground. I have seen Aeddon suckerpunch a kid that took a ball from Alexander. I have also seen them do really sweet non-violent things too. Alexander will regularly break his cookie in half and share with Aeddon if the dog stole Aeddons cookie (or even if Aeddon just gave it to the dog then cried foul!) I have seen Aeddon pet Alexanders head when Alexander wasn't feeling good.
And this doesn't just happen between the boys! I have come in to the room that Aeddon and Mikaela share only to find him in her crib cuddling her. I have seen him break of half his toast and put it on her highchair tray. Alexander loves her too! He will stop what he is doing and try to cheer her up if she is crying.... And if she grabs a handful of his hair and pulls it.... he doesn't get mad! He just smiles at her and slowly untangles his hair from her fist and tells her "It's ok. You are a baby and you are still learning! You can pull my hair if you want to." Seriously! How many 4 year olds are that good with their baby sisters? I don't know any others!

I guess that I am blessed. My mom says that it is because I have done a good job trying to keep things fair and trying to make sure that they all have special one on one time..... but I think that really I am just blessed. I think that God's plan for me had more to do with it than any kind of Wonder-Parenting on my part! Thank You God!

Our family and Nanny Joan.

Our family and Nanny Joan., originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

I am so glad that my prayers were answered. Nanny Joan had been bedridden for over a week and I am so glad that she was able to get out of bed and spend some time with us before we had to head back to El Paso..... She is nearing the end of her life..... She has lived through alot...... she is 91...... so we are afraid that this will be her last Christmas. I wish she were going to be with us longer. She is an amazing person and has had some amazing adventures...... She gave birth to Owen's mom, Carole, during the german blitz of London during WW2.... She was in her third trimester when she was chased down the street by a german plane! I cant even imagine all the things that she has seen and done! She has traveled around the world! I am just proud to have been a small part of this proud womans history.

Mikaela 365: Day 16

Mikaela 365: Day 16, originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

I remember reading somewhere that if you chill spoons in the fridge that they offer relief to babies who are teething.... so I tried it.... and what do you know! It works! Mikaela loves the feel of "chewing" on the spoons! This is the happiest she has been in a couple of days!

Aeddon 365: Day 16

Aeddon 365: Day 16, originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

Aeddon doesnt read. He is not even two yet...... (Actually day 16 is exactly one month until his 2nd birthday!) But boy o boy does he love books. They don't even have to be picture books! I have caught him flipping through Peirs Anthony novels..... He loves to stare at the written word! I think I am gonna spend a fortune in Barnes and Noble with this kid!

Alexander 365: Day 16

Alexander 365: Day 16, originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

One of these days Alexander will quit sucking his thumb. Whenever he is bored or tired or sad he sticks his thumb in his mouth. I wish he had gotten hooked on a pacifier! At least then if all else failed I could have taken them away! But I cant take away his thumb! What am I gonna do! He is gonna ruin his teeth like that and I really dont want him to need braces when he is older!

Mikaela 365: Day 15

Mikaela 365: Day 15, originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

Day 15.... Mikaela's turn to be sick. She spent all day crying... She threw up about 6 or 7 times. Of course to make matters worse she is teething... My poor baby.... Teething is bad enough.... but she is doing it with no meds cause every time I give her anything she throws up! She isnt even keeping down teething tablets! Poor baby!

Aeddon 365: Day 15

Aeddon 365: Day 15, originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

Aeddon loves his rocketship. It is his favorite non-monkey toy. He takes it with him everywhere! He dropped it at the commisarry once and a worker came up to us as we were about to leave and told us that he had just found it in the cat food isle and recognized it and remembered that it belonged to Aeddon and had hurried to catch us before we left. That means either that man has a photographic memory for other peoples things..... or Aeddon is inseperable from his rocket!