I am almost done being pregnant. We got some fantastic news about the placenta and the reduced chances of my dying during the birth process, but I am not happy.
Does that sound whiney? Well it is a little I suppose. To bad.
Here is my problem. I have a big family. Four kids outside of my body plus the one I am about to give birth to plus Owen and Me. Plus we are living in Owen's parents house with the two of them and his older brother who has pretty much lived here his whole life. I should be happy about having such a large, caring family. They constantly check on me to see if I am ok. They all cheered loudly when I came home from the doctor with news that my chance of death had been lowered from 70% to 5-25%. (depending on if I hemorrhage again.)
I don't feel happy about it though. I feel empty. And like I am going to let them all down by dying anyways and then they will all just get so busy with trying to care for all the kids I just abandoned by dying that they will barely even really notice I am gone unless they are having a bad day and then they will say or think something to the effect of "Why the hell did she have to go and abandon us and make our lives so hard?"
Then there is the fact that oddly enough Owens parents are there for me more than my own flesh and blood is most of the time. Yes, I get that they are both retired and we LIVE IN THEIR HOUSE. But you know what? When Owen's mom worked they still Always made time for us. We never once were made to feel like we were an inconvenience if we stopped by and they weren't expecting us to. I don't even know how many times they cancelled plans over the years because we were here and they wanted every second of our time they could have. You know why I don't know how many times they did it? Cause they have never once admitted to doing it or said a word about it. I am sure it has happened though. There were times we would show up unannounced and they would both be dressed nicely on a Saturday when they would normally have been in their "grubbies" and said they had been home all day and yes of course we could stay for dinner. I am willing to bet that every time that happened, plans with someone else were cancelled.
Now I am guessing that if anyone read past my first paragraph that you are confused about why knowing this makes me feel empty. I should feel blessed to be a part of such a loving family. Why don't I feel blessed? WHY?
Because if Owen and I got a divorce tomorrow I wouldn't get to keep them. They aren't really mine. They are Owen's and they treat me like I am theirs because Owen is theirs and I am his. But I know who they would go with if our marriage ever ended and that would be the right thing for them to do!
But Jaclyn, don't you have two biological families to call your own? Your biological parents got divorced and remarried and now you have two families!
Yes and no.
Let me show you two pictures:
Do you see the similarity in this picture? No, right? That is because the similarity is what isn't there, not what is there.... well and they are both pictures from my younger siblings graduations from High School, but you know, whatever.
See both of these pictures are of the new family my biological parents created when our family fell apart.
And I don't feel like I belong in either of them.
Now let me make one thing perfectly clear. Neither of my families have done anything or said anything to hint or blatantly state that I am a virtual non-member. NOT A THING. This is an issue that is all mine. In my own head.
See I had been thinking and feeling it, but Owen was the first one to say it out loud. Maybe that is cause he knows me and knew something was bothering me and when my families started being to busy to see me without penciling me in first, I think he put two and two together and figured out what was bothering me.... except that his pointing it out made it worse, like what I was feeling was real.
Did you know that my Mom and Dad only see us at church on Sundays and then every other Sunday we go to their house after church for lunch and usually dinner? Unless they have other plans. Then our coming over gets cancelled and sometimes we reschedule for the next week and sometimes we don't.
And did you know that I am never told my other family is going to be in SoCal until they are already here and to busy to see me? And if Owen or I suggest that we go out of our way to come and see them it never works out with their scheduled plan? Granted they have a tendency to make a beeline for the beach, spend the day there and then immediately head back to Utah..... but I am starting to feel more like penpals than actual family.
I understand that they have their own very busy, very full lives.
In the case of my Poppas new family they have only had me to think about for a few years and in that time they have never forgotten a kids birthday or a holiday. Not once. I also understand that Poppa works a job that makes it so he gets most of the information about the goings on of his family via the internet. He is often somewhere else in the world working alone in a little room that is frequently about the same amount of moving space of a small to medium walk in closet. I often wonder if he is lonely, and sometimes he posts things on Facebook that make me wonder if he ever regrets his line of work... (software type of stuff I believe.)
In the case of Mom's new family I have always been the black sheep. I wanted to do things my way whether my way was right or not and I wasn't going to sit there and let anyone tell me otherwise. It made me seem like a bad seed for a long time. (That is as much as I am gonna say about that for now as it is sort of a hot button topic in my family.) I can see where, from their perspective, many of the things Owen and I struggle through are our own bad choices and lack of planning. I don't bore them with the details of the inner workings of our lives. They have made it clear that doing so makes it sound like we are making excuses for our lives. (And I can see how from a "I worked hard and everything worked out in the long run, you must not be working as hard as I did/do" perspective it would seem like that is exactly what we are trying to do. I understand that Dad works upwards of 60 hours a week and is taking classes and is an elder in the church.... and Mom is often either sick or physically recovering from being sick or an injury aggravated by her Fibromyalgia and barely has the energy or physical ability to keep her own house running, let alone take on my large, boisterous family more than every once in a while.
But then I think about Owen's parents. They always have time for us. Always. They have opened up their home to us and do their best to sit back and let us run our own family even if they dont agree with how we are doing something.
And you know what? It makes me wonder.
It makes me wonder what I did that makes my family not want me, not want me to be an active part of their lives.
Is it because I am overweight? Is it because I am a stay at home mom with no education or particularly marketable skills? (Ok, I have the skills, they are just underdeveloped at the moment. Technicality.) Is it something I said or did that they don't want to bring up because they are trying to spare my feelings or prevent me from blowing up and them and making a scene?
I don't have an answer and I doubt I ever will. Maybe I have the pregnancy blues.
Liam loves to sing. Specifically, Liam loves to sing to me. I think it is because I sing to him so much. Today I decided to record Liam singing to me. I want to share it with you.
Ps. I am aware that the video is sideways. For some reason Flickr will not let me rotate it.
I haven't posted in over a month and that is because I have physically had a very hard month. Since my last post I have passed 2 kidney stones, survived a (separate from the stones) kidney infection, torn my abdominal muscles (they have since healed) and had to be rushed to the ER in an Ambulance from Disneyland (Owen and I went to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary) due to my blood pressure being 88/57.
On a not medically challenged note we also had a jam packed, fun filled Spring Break, celebrated Mikaela's 5th birthday and Liam's 3rd birthday. Owen and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. We adopted a kitten after I rescued him from his abusive owners in a public park. A man found Gypsy (who has been missing since mid November) alive and well.... but in Colorado. I have no idea how we are gonna get her back, but we will figure it out!
So yeah. Kinda crazy busy with both good and bad (that is life, right?) around here! Here is "The Best of" in pictures.
In order from Beginning of Spring Break till now:
Hiking up at "The Platform"
Hiking at Sturtevant Falls
Play-date at the park with Karuna, Aeddon's best friend.
At Huntington Beach, for Liam's birthday
Macavity, the rescue cat.
Celebrating our 9th Anniversary by recreating an old photo at Disneyland.
If you click on any of the pictures it will take you through to my Flickr account where you can check out the Hundreds of other photos I took from these adventures.
(This picture has very little to do with anything. I just find Moon Jellies to be calming and enjoyable to watch.)
Apparently that is how long it has been since I posted last. I am not going to attempt to catch you up. It would be impossible and there are things that happened that I don't really want to talk about.
Instead I will share a few things with the few of you that follow along on my crazy life journey so that you will better understand why my whole life kinda seems to have changed since last I typed.
My whole life has changed.
Owen is no longer in the Army. Neither of us has a job. We are living with his parents with our children trying to get our heads on straight.
We are having another baby.My Estimated Due Date is August 1st. I will probably have the baby the week before that as I have scheduled c-sections. Owen is officially one in a million.... That is how rare it is for a vasectomy to heal itself. I am scared, but I am trying not to let my fear swallow me whole. I have to believe that God has a plan for us as a family.
I know the likely gender of the baby. I am not sharing that information cause it is not a sure thing. I blame that on the fact that the baby never stopped moving during the ultrasound cause I had about a half a gallon of iced tea before the appointment. My bad.
I know the two possible names for the baby. One boy name, one girl name. You can't know either of them until I give birth and know the gender of the baby for sure. Sorry if you don't like that answer.
I have some of the stuff for my contest winners, but I have to dig it out of storage as I accidentally packed it. I still have to make the rest. Sorry my Life Crisis messed up my ability to keep my word and be reliable.
Now that my life is no longer ass end up I will be blogging regularly again. I can't guarantee award winning stories, but I will do my best to at least not bore the world to tears.
If you have stuck with me and patiently waited for me to return, thank you from the very bottom, middle, and top of my heart.