Friday, July 16, 2010

I know you have said it before...

I know that you all have told me before that I dont owe you an explanation when I drop off the face of the world... but I still want to give you one.

I have been having a very hard time lately. Alexander has been gone in California with both his sets of grandparents since the 5th of July. I miss him terribly.

That is of course just the tip of the iceberg. Now add that to the fact that my marriage has been in serious danger of ending (I made plans to move out with the kids and go on without him!) which seems to have been resolved... but I have been fooled before...

Then add to that the fact that the Dr. told me that there is no medical reason that he can find that I should still be able to walk... and that that ability could change at any time if I am not careful...

Then add to that the fact that we are a family of 6 on one income and when Owen gets depressed he spends money we dont have on stuff we dont need... putting us around $1700 in the hole behind on our bills....

And what you get is a woman who wants to crawl into a hole and disappear for forever. I dont wanna die. I just want to disolve into the earth... Do you know what I mean or are you debating calling 911 for the safety of my children? (who I assure you are the one thing going really right for me! I get out of bed each day to care for them and make them as happy as possible!)

I am gonna try to be better for you guys though... You all got me through my PPD... and I am willing to bet that you could get me through this too, if I let you! Much love to all of you!

p.s. I have most of the rest of my trip to Utah written up and just havent posted it yet. I feel like a slacker!
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