Saturday, June 6, 2009

When I am having a hard time

I have been really fighting PPD with Liam's birth.

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I look happier than I feel most of the time. The logical part of my brain keeps trying to tell me to get a grip. I have a pretty great life. I have a fantastic husband who treats me pretty fantastic most of the time (nobody is perfect!). I have 4 beautiful, healthy children who would do just about anything to make me smile. We have a good home, an a stable income. I have friends who care about me, heck, I have relative strangers who check in to see how my life is going! I have more cool stuff than I have room to store it in. I have a really rocking camera that I can use to capture as many of the moments of my children's lives as I want.

But nothing feels shiny. Do you know what I mean. It is like those Claratin commercials. I feel like there is a film across every thing. Dingy, like a white sock that has been washed with a load of all black clothes.

A few days ago I was feeling like I just wanted my kids to go away. Their cheerfulness was just getting on my nerves. So instead of taking out my irrational irritation on them, I broke out my camera and took pictures of them. I don't know why, but something about looking at pictures of my babies photographed in natural light just makes me want to cuddle them and cover them in kisses, no matter how ready I am to sell them to the highest bidder!

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Yes, the picture is out of focus. My hands were shaking. Alexander looks so serious. I have seen a lot of this face lately. Alexander knows something is not right with me and he is worried about me.

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I see a lot of this too. The more sad I become, the more withdrawn Aeddon becomes. He has also become a lot more violent. He has been doing a lot of biting and hitting lately. I worry that my little storm cloud is contagious, and that Aeddon has caught it. So I hug him a lot.

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Mikaela has wanted a pacifier more and more lately. I know it is normal for kids to regress slightly when a new baby is born, so I am not to worried. Plus there is something so cute about watching her suck on a tiny little pacifier that used to look so HUGE in her little mouth!

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Then there is Liam. How could that face not make a person want to smile. He can be crying and I will put my cheek against his and he instantly cheers up. Part of that is cause he now knows his next meal is at hand. (boy oh boy does Liam nurse a lot. Oh the weight I am loosing!) I am sure that most of it is just cause he loves me so much. He started cracking little half smiles. I have yet to do a good job of getting a picture of one, but once I do, I will post it.

I look at these pictures and I realise how much my depression is affecting my children. That is enough for me. I will be talking to my doctor about getting some help when I go in for my 6 week check up on Thursday.
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