Monday, September 22, 2008

I am hurt and confused.

I am hurt and confused. The title says it all. As you may have noticed I posted that I am expecting Bailey Baby #4.... I posted the same blog on my myspace page that I did here. On this blog I received several nice comments of congrats.... That is what you would expect when sharing news that is happy right? Well apparently that is not always the case. I received comments that included things like "dont you think that is overkill" and "Have you ever considered stopping?" I am sorry but I think those things are hurtful... so I responded. Below is the entire blog I posted on myspace in response to my "friends" who think I am making a mistake.

I have to tell you.... I am surprised by the response that my previous post has received. One person asked if I had considered stopping having kids... to which my response is: "1. Yes this will be our last baby and 2. Why is it really any of your business how many I have since they arent your responsibility and I am paying for their care out of my own money? Thank you for your concern.... but I am fine. My babies are not accidents. They are planned family additions and Owen and I have calculated the pros and cons of having babies when we have. Mikaela was the only baby that we had sooner than we planned... and that turned out fine! I was just trying to share my joy with people who would be happy for me, and if you are not one of those people.... move along and dont add in your two cents."

Then the most hurtful to me. Someone asked me if I didnt think that it was overkill, if I couldnt have waited a couple of years at least. The worst part of that for me is that of all the people I thought might have an opinion... I expected that person, who is my oldest friend, to say "I think you are crazy, but if you are happy then I am happy for you." Since that is not the response I received.... here is my response to her question.

No as a matter of fact I dont think it is overkill. We always knew we were going to have 4 and if you really think about it it makes sense to have them spaced every 2 years or so. By the time baby number 4 is born Mikaela will be two.

Aeddon is already potty training and with any luck he will be out of diapers by the time the baby comes. So I will only have two in diapers and since I cloth diaper.... it is not like it is costing me a fortune every month.

Also next fall Alexander will be in school... so I will only have 3 home with me. Another two years after that and Aeddon will be in school. Another year or two and Mikaela will go to school and 2 years after Mikaela starts BB4 will start school... so in just a little under 6 years from now all the kids will be in school.

Owen is already in the process of trying to get accepted into the Officer program. Within a year or so he will be an officer (two years at the latest...) When that happens our income will grow exponentially. Owen's job is secure. The army isnt going to fire him cause of a weak economy. They pay for our housing, so that doesnt come out of our income. We have free, full coverage health insurance. I dont pay a penny and everything is covered. Even perscriptions.

So yes right now money is a little tight, but I have carefully saved everything from the previous children. I have clothes up to 5t for a boy and clothes so far for a girl up to 12 months. So I will have no problems clothing a new baby. As I already said, I cloth diaper, so I can use the same supplies I am already using for Mikaela. As a matter of fact with another one time purchase of $30 dollars worth of prefold diapers I will never have to spend another penny on diapers for as long as Mikaela and the baby are in diapers. I breast feed so formula isnt an issue. I still have Mikaela's infant car seat. By the time the baby is to big for it Alexander will not need a car seat anymore and Aeddon can move into his booster seat. The baby will be able to use Aeddon's 5 point harness carseat. And so the cycle can continue. When all is said and done the only money I will have to spend on this baby is the $30 on diapers and a new toddler bed for Mikaela (Which I was planning to buy around January anyways).

If I had waited another few years several things would have happend. 1. I would have lost a piece to the crib and had to buy a new crib. Those things are expensive. Cheap ones are like $200 dollars. 2. If Mikaela was already potty trained I would probably have started using Mikaela's diapers as rags..... So I would have had to start over with cloth diapering... and starting from scratch costs between $150 and $200 dollars. That doesnt even take into account that the longer the baby clothes sit in boxes being stored, the more likely it is that something will happen that will ruin them. I have thousands of dollars in baby clothes that I have accumulated from people giving me clothes that they didnt need anymore, babyshowers and holidays/birthdays. I dont even want to THINK about how much it would cost me to start over with all new clothes! So when you look at it from that financial perspective... it is more fiscally responsible for us to not wait. By the time this baby will actually cost more money for us, Owen will be an officer and we will have close to twice our current income... which we are able to get by on and still live relatively comfortably.

And you know what? That doesnt even take into account other things, like my health needs. The longer I wait to have baby number 4 the longer I have to wait to have the two surgeries that I need. I need a breast reduction so that my back problems will be much easier to deal with.... (there is only so much you can do to improve your back when you are carrying around two seedless watermelons worth of boob everwhere!) and I need to have the flap of skin removed that I seem to have accumulated with each kid. I know that it is TMI.... but that flap is ugly and makes it very difficult to do things like buy pants and skirts and wear a bathing suit. If I had that extra flap of skin removed I would go down 2 or 3 pants sizes! Also after those two surgeries I will be better able to start and stick to a good healthcare routine. One that includes exersize. I will be able to get myself in shape for the first time since I started having kids.

Also I have fibromyalgia... and since it often gets worse.... the longer I wait to have baby number 4... the less likely I am going to be able to enjoy a problem free pregnancy. Plus... Owen and I arent getting any younger. I am going to be 27 when this baby is born. Owen will be 31. If I waited a "few years" I would be over 30. It is a well known fact that the older you are when you have babies, the more likely you are to have complications for yourself or your baby. Gestational diabetes is more common in women over 30 than in women in their 20's.

Besides, the boys are 2 years apart, and they love to play together. Mikaela and Aeddon are 17 months apart and they play great together most of the time. Why on earth would I want to wait a few years and screw up that dynamic?

Honestly, here I am sharing news that I feel is happy news. I shared it to let my friends and loved ones know how happy I am and I gotta tell ya.... some of these responses make me wonder why I am friends with some of you at all. Fine you think I am crazy for not stopping at one or two. Fine you think I am crazy for having them all at once. Did you ever stop to think that your little comments about "what were you thinking?" might be mean and hurtful? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I think "what were you thinking" about choices you make but that because I am your friend I take the "if it is what makes them happy then it doesnt matter what I think cause it is not my life" approach? I dont sit here and judge the things you do and I didnt ask you to judge me.

Are you the one paying my bills? Are you the one caring for my kids? Do I call you and ask you for help?

No I don't. As you can see there are lots of reasons not to wait... and lots of reasons why the few cons of not waiting arent cons I really have to worry about.

Besides, whatever happened to "if you cant say something nice, dont say anthing at all"?



So what do you think? Was I out of line with my response? Is it to much to ask to want people to be nice? I could understand if I had posted something controversial such as " I think all abortions should be illegal, no matter what the circumstances." ( I am not going to talk right now about my stance on abortion... I am just using it as an example of controversy.) I didnt post something controversial. I posted that I was having a baby and that I was happy. Why is that something that should get such hurtful responses?

Please help me understand if you can....
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