Thursday, February 7, 2008

Reflection on a personal mood...


Aeddon 365: Day 98, originally uploaded by jaclynbailey.

Ok I know that this is not actually a picture of me. It is Aeddon. But this is a pretty good picture of how I feel today. I am sad and I am wanting to be held and I am wanting to be anywhere but here.

I am sad cause I am bored, even though there are lots of things I could be doing around my house today.... but I just cant. It is taking all I have today to stay out of bed. It has been a bad fibro day. Plus I think that my potassium might be low. Not being a healthy young 25 year old makes me sad. Especially when I see myspace posts and pictures from my high school buddies back home in California that are out living it up! They are going to clubs and concerts.... the closest thing to a concert I go to is when my boys sing along to Dora or Yo Gabba Gabba.
Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death and I don't regret my choice to have kids while I am still young. Even if I didn't have kids I wouldn't be out "living it up" I couldn't do it physically. To many hardships in my young life have broken down my body's ability to roll with the punches. Stupid Fibro making everything harder!
And you know what really sucks is that all I want is for my husband to hold me and he can't. He is at work. Stupid Army. And when he does get home he still wont be able to hold me cause I hurt so bad that it hurts for him to hold me and hurting me makes him sad. So I cant even tell him that I secretly want him to hold me.
I wish I wasnt here. Not I wish I wasn't here on the planet... just I wish I wasn't at a time in my life where few can understand me and the ones who can are in just as bad of shape as I am.... I knew Fibro came with the big D as a side effect.... but I am tired of it! I am tired of my body limiting the lives of the people I love the most. Perhaps since my kids are napping I really should just go to bed and wait for a small warm body (probably Alexander's since he is the only one who opens doors) to come and wake me up by cuddling with me. Perhaps after a nap the world will look like a brighter place. Yep. I am going to go with that theory! Especially since I have so many good things to wake up to.....................

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